Sunday, May 17, 2015


I graduated from high school yesterday. To most that doesn't seem like a big deal. BUT IT IS. I had to switch schools last year half way through my junior year. When I got to my new school they were almost determined that I would not graduate on time and I wouldn't walk across the stage with my fellow classmates. So I decided I would graduate on time. I wasn't going to let anyone hold me down anymore. 
Because you see at the beginning of my junior year I had just lost a baby two weeks before (nobody knew then that I had lost it), I had broken up with my boyfriend of 6 months, the father (although he will never admit there was a baby) and just released myself of a horrible relationship most called abusive. I am still to this day unsure of what it was. But it definitely wasn't healthy. At this time my two closest friends had conspired against me and were no longer my real friends. (At this time it seemed like that. Only one wasn't a real friend.) Oh and did I mention that I was dealing with bipolar disease and depression. And was unable to take my medication since I had just been pregnant. Basically I started my first day of junior year, alone, hated, depressed, and very overwhelmed. (I decided two AP classes to start my day off with was a good idea.) from there things turned bad. I finally got close again with the person I can say with no doubt in my mind was the true stand most amazing friend to me ever. Paige. She was always so incredible and Paige of you ever read this know I am beyond sorry for all I put you through and did to you. It was horrible and I take full responsibility. I know I can never fix what I did or make it up to you but I am sorry with my whole heart. I am. 
But Paige had just come back into my life and I of course being the selfish 16 year old I was took it all for granted I abused the friendship myself. I suppose in some aspects I was doing to others what had just been done to me. Maybe I needed other people to feel the pain I felt. I spent all of my time with Paige. Weekends. Every Friday night. All of it was with Paige. After school food runs it was the best. I loved it so much. But it wasn't enough to me. Nothing was enough. Nothing satisfied my happiness. Because nothing could satisfy my happiness. I had none to satisfy. 
It was maybe two weeks into school and I had been in contact with my ex non stop. Because I "loved" him how I could I not be? But he started talking to another girl. They were just friends though. I did not see it that way at all. So I went straight for the kill shot on him. I got one of his best friends to almost sleep with me. I say almost cause I couldn't go through with it. But the damage was already done. I'd hurt him and it was finished. It didn't matter anymore. But he found out I didn't do anything. Felt horrible for what he called me and said to me. And we went back to normal. Kind of. That girl was still there. (Which she's actually an amazing girl and we've become friends.) but he devoted his whole attention to her and I hated her for that. I even had all my friends torturing her for it. The people in her classes torturing her. It was horrible. I still wasn't satisfied. I needed more. 
I'm going to stop here because what comes next is still very touchy for me to talk about and I'm not ready to say it all. Plus I'm extremely off topic. Back to graduation. 
I did it. I finally made it. And I cannot believe it still. My whole family can't believe it. I'm done. I came out of my senior year with no failing grades. None. It was amazing. But there's a downfall. There's always a downfall. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, all of it. It haunts me any chance it can. I am no longer friends with my ex on any of those. We blocked each other a long time ago. (It was kind of like a race for us.) but we still have mutual friends. Mutual friends who like to post pictures. Mutual friends who love him. Who don't mean to put it right in my face. But it's right in my face. It drives me crazy. Because I see his face, so happy, and I'm not sure what I feel when I look at him. It's not hate, it's not pain. But it feels like this regret, sadness, happiness, love thing all mixed together. 
Regret for allowing things to go on as long as they did. For allowing myself to be in that situation. 
Sadness for the memories that come flooding back. The good ones, the bad. All of it. 
Happiness because I'm better, he's better. I'm happy now, he's happy now. And I'm so proud that he made it too. He might still a dumb pothead. But at least he made it. 
And finally love. This one is strange. I know, but you have to understand, he was my best friend before we were together. He knew me better than I knew myself. And I had loved him as a friend since 7th grade. To me he was amazing. And maybe that's why I stayed as long as I did. But Goodness do I miss that friendship. I have nothing anywhere close to that. But I still love him so dearly as a friend. He may never think of me and may never agree with that or feel that towards me. But that's okay. I also feel love just for who he was when we were first together. Before everything went bad. Before it all fell apart. I loved that boy so much. Not the other one, the angry one, the hateful one. The one who hurt and made hate myself, made me starve myself to be beautiful to him. Never did I love that one. 
These pictures that pop in my feed kill me inside though. I start to think of things could have been. Because I was supposed to be there. Be with the people I called my best friends for 6 years of my life. But I wasn't. I was with amazing people that I love dearly. But that I will never fully be apart of. Because that's just how it when you come into a small school and you're different. You get to be the outsider. (Which ironically is one of my favorite books.) 
So to finish this post. Graduation was bitter sweet. But I loved it all the same. 

The things that haunt me.

Monday, May 11, 2015

My Mother's Day's

My Mother's Day's for the past two years have never been something special unlike other women. We celebrate my mom, my sister, and my sister in law. But I am the mother who is never remembered. Never celebrated. It hurts and to me I treat it like any other day so that I don't have to feel sad or remember my own child. Which is awful I know. But it's the easiest thing for me. It's the one day where I feel the loneliest. Besides the time period where my baby would have been born. And I would much rather go and forget it all. I cannot do that anymore. 

Time to Mourn

I listened to an incredible woman share an incredible testimony today. She spoke of how she almost had an abortion, and explained why she didn't. She told us of her four year old son who is beautiful, and a blessing from God in her life. This testimony hit me like a bus. Since I too have a testimony very similar to her own. Mine just has a very different outcome sadly. 

It was the end of my sophomore year and I was in a horrible relationship, that I was convinced was perfectly normal. Although I was being torn apart emotionally, that did not matter to me. I made a few terrible mistakes with him. Having sex out of wedlock was the worst, because as sex tends to do it ended in me becoming pregnant. 

Now there are many more parts to this story that I need to share. Those will come at later times. It's a difficult thing for me to share as you can imagine. But my story ends in a miscarriage. Can I say that again? MISCARRIAGE. The thought is still so difficult for me to swallow, to handle even. 

But now it's time for me to try to deal with it. I NEED to deal with it. For the first time today I admitted that I have never mourned the loss of my child. And this amazing woman said that it's time for me to do that. For over a year I have been hateful, bitter, and just so very angry. I blame myself, my parents, the father. (Who will never admit he is a father.) 

So here I am. Vulnerable, and sharing with the world my pain. Here I am trying to find my peace, my closure. I understand my pain will never go away but maybe I can let some of it go here. So I hope you don't mind me sharing. But here it is. The start of my beginning, my beginning to happiness again.