My Mother's Day's

My Mother's Day's for the past two years have never been something special unlike other women. We celebrate my mom, my sister, and my sister in law. But I am the mother who is never remembered. Never celebrated. It hurts and to me I treat it like any other day so that I don't have to feel sad or remember my own child. Which is awful I know. But it's the easiest thing for me. It's the one day where I feel the loneliest. Besides the time period where my baby would have been born. And I would much rather go and forget it all. I cannot do that anymore. 

Time to Mourn

I listened to an incredible woman share an incredible testimony today. She spoke of how she almost had an abortion, and explained why she didn't. She told us of her four year old son who is beautiful, and a blessing from God in her life. This testimony hit me like a bus. Since I too have a testimony very similar to her own. Mine just has a very different outcome sadly. 

It was the end of my sophomore year and I was in a horrible relationship, that I was convinced was perfectly normal. Although I was being torn apart emotionally, that did not matter to me. I made a few terrible mistakes with him. Having sex out of wedlock was the worst, because as sex tends to do it ended in me becoming pregnant. 

Now there are many more parts to this story that I need to share. Those will come at later times. It's a difficult thing for me to share as you can imagine. But my story ends in a miscarriage. Can I say that again? MISCARRIAGE. The thought is still so difficult for me to swallow, to handle even. 

But now it's time for me to try to deal with it. I NEED to deal with it. For the first time today I admitted that I have never mourned the loss of my child. And this amazing woman said that it's time for me to do that. For over a year I have been hateful, bitter, and just so very angry. I blame myself, my parents, the father. (Who will never admit he is a father.) 

So here I am. Vulnerable, and sharing with the world my pain. Here I am trying to find my peace, my closure. I understand my pain will never go away but maybe I can let some of it go here. So I hope you don't mind me sharing. But here it is. The start of my beginning, my beginning to happiness again.